What Does It Mean to “Do the Work” in Therapy?

One thing I sometimes reflect on in my work as a trauma therapist is what people really mean when they say they want to “do the work” in therapy. It’s a phrase we hear often in conversations around healing, trauma therapy, relationships, and personal growth. But what does it actually mean?

And before I go any further, I want to say this with a lot of compassion and grace: sometimes doing the work actually means slowing down. Sometimes it means resting. Sometimes it means pausing long enough to reconnect with yourself before trying to push forward.

As a psychotherapist practicing trauma-informed care in California, I often explain to clients that healing is not about forcing yourself to suffer or constantly digging into painful experiences. In many ways, doing the work is about learning how to safely show up as your authentic self in the present moment.

Building the Toolbox First

In trauma therapy, especially early on, a large part of the work is not processing trauma right away. Instead, it’s about building a toolbox.

Before we go into deeper layers of trauma, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, relationship wounds, or painful memories, the nervous system needs support and stabilization. Whether someone is participating in EMDR therapy, somatic trauma therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, mindfulness work, or individual therapy, having tools for regulation is essential.

That toolbox may include things like:

• Movement or exercise
• Drawing or creative expression
• Meditation or prayer
• Grounding skills
• Breathwork
• Music
• Time in nature
• Journaling
• Sensory tools
• Healthy relationships and connection

The important thing is that the toolbox fits you.

What works for one person may not work for another. One person may love essential oils while another may find them overstimulating. One person may regulate through running, while another may feel safer through stillness or gentle stretching.

A big part of my work in somatic trauma therapy in Agoura Hills and somatic trauma therapy in Oak Park is helping clients understand their unique nervous system, sensory preferences, emotional needs, and internal world. The more aligned your tools are with who you truly are, the more effective they tend to be.

Looking Inward and Gathering Information

Another part of doing the work is learning to look inward with curiosity.

This means identifying:

• What triggers you
• What no longer works for you
• What patterns keep repeating
• What behaviors feel outdated
• What relationship dynamics feel unhealthy
• What emotions feel difficult to access or tolerate

A lot of therapy can feel like collecting puzzle pieces. We begin gathering history, noticing emotional patterns, exploring family dynamics, and connecting present-day struggles to earlier experiences.

Sometimes clients come into therapy believing their anxiety, shutdown, people-pleasing, or relationship struggles exist in isolation. Over time, we begin to see the bigger picture.

And honestly, that process can be incredibly powerful.

Processing and Healing

Eventually, once enough safety and stability are built, deeper processing can begin.

For some people, EMDR therapy is incredibly effective. For others, somatic trauma therapy feels more natural. Some benefit from mindfulness-based approaches, while others respond well to dialectical behavior therapy or relational work through relationship therapy.

There is no single “right” healing process.

Doing the work means allowing yourself to process experiences in a way that honors your nervous system and emotional capacity rather than forcing yourself into someone else’s version of healing.

Applying the Work Outside of Therapy

One of the biggest parts of healing happens outside the therapy room.

Therapy may only be one hour a week. The rest of life happens outside of that.

Part of doing the work means learning how to apply the tools you practice during sessions into your everyday life:

• During conflict
• During triggers
• During stress
• In relationships
• At work
• In moments of loneliness or overwhelm

This is where growth really starts to become visible.

And honestly, one of the hardest parts for many people is simply remembering to use the skills when they need them most. Therapy can feel overwhelming at times because there is so much information, insight, and emotional processing happening all at once.

That’s why I often encourage clients to simplify things:

• Create a list of coping skills
• Keep notes on your phone
• Make a visual chart
• Write reminders
• Practice skills repeatedly

Healing usually does not happen because you tried one coping skill one time. It happens through consistency, repetition, persistence, and slowly creating new patterns over time.

The Stages of Change

Another important concept that doesn’t get talked about enough is the idea of stages of change.

People enter therapy in very different places emotionally and psychologically. Understanding your stage of change can help you better understand your readiness for growth.

The stages generally include:

1. Precontemplation – You may not fully recognize the problem yet or may not feel ready to change.
2. Contemplation – You are beginning to recognize patterns and think about change, but may still feel ambivalent.
3. Preparation – You are gathering tools, support, and information to begin making changes.
4. Action – You are actively implementing new behaviors, boundaries, coping skills, or perspectives.
5. Maintenance – You are working to sustain and reinforce the changes you’ve made.
6. Relapse or Recycling – Sometimes people return to old patterns temporarily, which is actually a normal part of growth and healing.

A large part of doing the work requires being in an active stage of change. If someone is still in precontemplation or contemplation, it may be harder to fully engage in deeper trauma work.

And that’s okay.

There is nothing wrong with being where you are, but it is important to be honest with yourself and your current stage of change.

Change Is Hard – and That’s Normal

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about therapy is that insight alone creates change.

It doesn’t.

Change is hard because many of our patterns have existed for years, sometimes decades. Trauma responses often become deeply wired survival strategies. Healing requires repetition, consistency, experimentation, courage, and patience.

Sometimes you will try new skills 10 or 20 times (or more) before they start feeling natural or helpful.

That’s normal.

Doing the work means continuing to show up anyway, even if progress is slow.

Healing Can Also Be Beautiful

Despite how difficult trauma work can be, I also want to highlight that healing can be rewarding, empowering, creative, and even fun at times.

To me, doing the work is often like putting together a puzzle. Slowly, piece by piece, you begin to understand yourself more clearly. You start seeing how your experiences, relationships, survival strategies, wounds, strengths, and patterns all connect together into a fuller picture of who you are.

And that process can be incredibly meaningful.

Whether you are seeking trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, individual therapy, relationship therapy, or somatic trauma therapy in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, Agoura Hills, Calabasas, Oak Park, Ventura, Los Angeles, or elsewhere in California, healing does not have to look harsh or punishing.

It can look gentle.
It can look curious.
It can look compassionate.

Sometimes doing the work simply means deciding that you are worthy of understanding yourself more deeply – and continuing to take small steps toward healing, one piece at a time.