Stop Thinking You’re So Unique

Okay—before you get very upset about the title of this blog, pause for a moment. You are absolutely allowed to have your own individuality, your own personality, your own history, and your own unique imprint in this world. That is not what I’m talking about here.

What I am talking about is a very common—and very sneaky—pattern that keeps people stuck in trauma cycles and isolated from others: the belief that your suffering is so unique that no one could possibly understand you.

This idea often sounds like:

• “No one gets it.”

• “My situation is different.”

• “Other people wouldn’t understand my trauma.”

• “What I’ve been through is too specific to explain.”

And while these thoughts feel protective, they often do the opposite. They deepen isolation, reinforce shame, and quietly cut us off from the very thing that helps trauma heal: connection.

Where This Idea Comes From

When I first came to America around the age of nine or ten, I noticed a major shift in how schools talked about identity (compared to the schools in my country of origin). There was a strong emphasis on individuality—being unique, owning who you are, standing out. I remember seeing quotes everywhere about how you can only be yourself, how everyone else is taken, how we should honor our uniqueness.

At the time, it felt strange. Different from what I remembered growing up. Eventually, I grew to appreciate it. There is something powerful and important about knowing who you are and honoring that.

But I’ve also noticed that this narrative can get complicated when we enter the realm of trauma.

Because trauma has a way of convincing people that they are alone. That their story is too much, too different, too confusing. And once that belief takes hold, many people stop reaching out. They don’t seek help (or therapy, whether trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, or individual therapy). They don’t share their story. They don’t let others in.

And without realizing it, they add another layer of pain on top of the original wound.

Trauma Heals in Connection

Trauma does not heal in isolation. It heals through being witnessed, shared, spoken, and received. Through safe relationships. Through community. Through the experience of telling your story and discovering that someone else understands it—not because they lived your exact life, but because they understand the emotional truth of it.

When we tell ourselves we’re too unique in our suffering, we isolate ourselves from support. We are less likely to experience meaningful friendships, healthy relationships, or a sense of belonging. Over time, this isolation can feel just as painful as the trauma itself.

This shows up often in people who’ve experienced emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, sexual abuse, or chronic relational trauma. Many have learned—implicitly or explicitly—that it’s safer not to be seen.

The Belonging Wound

One of the most common themes I see in trauma-informed care is the feeling of not belonging.

I’ve felt this myself. For a long time, I believed my background was so different that I would always feel like an outsider. That belief fed into feelings of aloneness, disconnection, and even victimhood at times.

The shift happened when I stopped focusing on how I was different and started noticing where my experiences overlapped with others. When I looked for shared humanity instead of separation, something softened. I experienced more compassion, more understanding, and more healing.

Belonging didn’t come from being the same—it came from being connected.

Our Brains Are Wired for Connection

Humans are biologically wired for connection. From a neurobiological perspective, our nervous systems are shaped through relationships. Safety, regulation, and emotional resilience develop in the presence of attuned others.

Research consistently shows that social connection is a basic human need—on par with food and sleep. Chronic loneliness and isolation are associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, cognitive decline, and even early mortality. Some studies suggest that prolonged social isolation can increase the risk of premature death as much as smoking or obesity.

Connection is not a luxury. It’s a requirement for emotional and physical well-being.

This is why relationship therapy, mindfulness, somatic trauma therapy, and dialectical behavior therapy all emphasize interpersonal awareness, emotional regulation, and connection to self and others.

A Gentle Reframe

If you’re struggling with the belief that no one understands you, I invite you to pause and ask:

• Am I telling myself that I’m the only one with this problem?

• Am I assuming my pain is unrelatable?

• What parts of my experience might actually be deeply human?

Instead of asking, “How am I different?” try asking, “Where do our experiences overlap?”

This shift doesn’t erase your individuality—it simply opens the door to connection.

Moving Toward Community

Whether through in-person sessions or online sessions, therapy can be a powerful place to practice being seen and understood. Trauma therapy isn’t about minimizing your story—it’s about helping you feel less alone in it.

If you’re located in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, Agoura Hills, Calabasas, Oak Park, Ventura, Los Angeles, or anywhere in California, trauma-informed individual therapy can help you move out of isolation and back into relationship—with yourself and others.

In the end, this isn’t about telling yourself you’re not special. It’s about remembering that you are human. And being human means needing connection, belonging, and shared understanding.

Sometimes healing begins not with standing apart—but with letting yourself be part of something.