How to Be Comfortable with Being Alone

By Valeriya Bauer, Psychotherapist

A topic that comes up often in the therapy room—and outside of it—is the fear of being alone. So many people share this deep worry or preoccupation with aloneness, and it can feel incredibly distressing. In trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, individual therapy, and relationship therapy, I hear clients describe loneliness as one of the most painful emotional experiences. And part of what makes this emotion so intense is that our brains are literally wired for connection.

Why Our Brains Crave Connection

Human beings are biologically designed to seek proximity to others. Neurobiologically, we rely on social engagement systems—regulated by structures like the ventral vagal complex—for feelings of safety and well-being. When we bond with others, the brain releases oxytocin and dopamine, reinforcing attachment and reducing stress. In trauma-informed care, we recognize that connection is not simply a “nice-to-have.” It is a core regulatory mechanism. This is also why individuals healing from emotional abuse, sexual abuse, narcissistic abuse, or attachment trauma often feel especially activated when they sense disconnection.

Our Evolution as Social Creatures

To truly understand our discomfort with being alone, we also have to look at our evolutionary history. For most of human existence, we lived in tightly connected villages, tribes, or small communities. Survival depended on cooperation: gathering food, protecting one another from threats, raising children, and traveling together. Being alone in the wild—without the safety of the group—was dangerous. Because of this, our nervous systems evolved to associate isolation with vulnerability.

Fast forward to modern life in places like Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, Agoura Hills, Calabasas, Oak Park, Ventura, and the greater Los Angeles area. Despite being surrounded by thousands or millions of people, many clients report feeling more alone than ever. Technology has changed the way we relate, often substituting digital contact for meaningful community. It’s no wonder so many people struggle with loneliness today.

How Loneliness Affects Us

Research consistently shows that loneliness has profound psychological and physiological impacts. According to recent surveys, roughly one in three adults in the United States reports feeling lonely on a regular basis. Chronic loneliness has been linked to increased anxiety, depression, inflammation, sleep difficulties, and difficulty regulating emotions.

When I work with clients in somatic trauma therapy, mindfulness-based approaches, or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), loneliness often shows up as physical tension, a collapse in the chest, or a sense of emotional flooding. In other words, loneliness isn’t “in your head”—it’s in your body and nervous system.

Understanding Your Own Definition of “Alone”

Given everything we know about biology and evolution, the desire for connection makes sense. But it’s equally important to explore how you define “being alone.” Before we can talk about becoming comfortable with solitude, I would ask you two questions:

1. What does “comfortable” mean to you?
   Does it mean peaceful? Neutral? Not distressed? Empowered?

2. What does “alone” mean in your experience?
   Does it mean not being in a romantic relationship?
   Does it mean social isolation?
   Does it mean physical solitude?
   Does it mean feeling emotionally unsupported even when others are around?

Your answers matter. They guide how you can best take care of yourself.

For example, if “alone” simply means “not in a relationship,” then cultivating friendships, joining communities, or building fulfilling routines may help meet your social needs.

If “alone” means avoiding people because of anxiety, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of vulnerability, or unresolved trauma, then that’s a different path—one that may require deeper healing work through trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, or somatic trauma therapy to address the underlying pain.

The Power of Community

Regardless of your definitions, one truth holds: humans need community, even if we also value independence. We evolved within villages, and that imprint remains in our nervous systems today.

So I encourage you to explore what communities resonate with you. Ask yourself:

– Are you drawn to creative communities?
– Fitness or running groups?
– LGBTQIA+ communities?
– Spiritual or religious groups?
– Gaming communities?
– Introvert-friendly meetups?
– Therapy-adjacent groups or book clubs?
– Specialized interest groups like astronomy, knitting, Dungeons & Dragons, or art?

If you’re unsure where to start, try sites like Meetup.com or Eventbrite.com and pick one or two events that feel approachable. You may also explore local gatherings if you live in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, Calabasas, or anywhere in Los Angeles or Ventura County. Simply showing up can begin to regulate the loneliness your nervous system is carrying.

Exploring the Deeper Layers

Sometimes the struggle with being alone is not about the present moment at all—but about past wounds. If your difficulty with solitude stems from old trauma, attachment wounds, emotional abuse, neglect, or fear of abandonment, then deeper therapeutic work might be necessary.

In my practice as a trauma psychotherapist—offering both online sessions and in-person sessions in California—I often help clients explore whether their fear of being alone is tied to unresolved childhood experiences or relational trauma.

Final Reflection

In essence, the question “How do I become comfortable being alone?” is deeply personal. Start by understanding what “comfortable” and “alone” mean for you. Explore whether there are underlying fears or traumas that need attention. And consider how you can gradually engage with communities that support connection, belonging, and emotional well-being.

In the next blog, we’ll explore how trauma experiences may shape your relationship with solitude—and what healing can look like.