How Shame Keeps Us Stuck
One of the themes that comes up again and again in both my personal work and my professional work as a trauma therapist is shame. No matter what someone is struggling with—whether it’s trauma, relationship difficulties, emotional pain, or patterns they feel unable to break—the common thread I hear across stories is shame and guilt. More specifically, shame has a way of keeping us stuck in cycles that feel incredibly hard to escape.
When you pause and really think about it, it’s fascinating. Across different types of trauma—emotional abuse, sexual abuse, narcissistic abuse, relational wounds, or chronic stress—shame often sits at the center. I would also add that secrecy plays a powerful role in perpetuating trauma. Many people have heard the saying, we are only as sick as our secrets. When we don’t share our truth or speak about what’s happening inside of us, trauma thrives in isolation. Silence allows shame to grow, and shame keeps harmful cycles alive.
So let’s unpack shame a little more.
Shame tends to sit at the root of many cycles: trauma, abuse, substance use, emotional eating, self-sabotage, and even relationship patterns. It’s one of the main reasons people feel stuck despite wanting change. In my work providing trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, somatic trauma therapy, and trauma-informed care, I often spend time helping clients understand shame—because once you understand it, you can begin to loosen its grip.
Here’s an important idea to sit with: you don’t have to hold on to shame.
When people feel trapped in shame or guilt cycles, I often ask: Where did you learn this shame? Where did it come from? Shame doesn’t appear out of nowhere. We pick it up from our families, culture, religion, schools, relationships, and society at large. We observe how mistakes are handled, how emotions are treated, and how worth is measured.
There is a form of shame that can be mildly adaptive. As children, feeling some discomfort after doing something unsafe or hurtful can help us learn boundaries. But when shame becomes chronic—when a child is constantly criticized, berated, or made to feel like they are the problem—it becomes deeply harmful. Many adults I work with grew up in environments where nothing was ever good enough, where mistakes were magnified and successes were minimized. Over time, shame becomes internalized and automatic.
At that point, it’s no longer helpful. It starts to affect us in cumulative negative ways.
One question I often encourage clients to ask is: What is the function of this shame? Is it actually helping you change? Or is it just beating you down? Did these shame messages come from parents who were perfectionistic? From emotional or narcissistic abuse? From cultural or religious beliefs that labeled normal human behavior as “bad” or “wrong”?
When you really look closely, many people realize that the shame they carry isn’t actually theirs. It may be generational. It may be inherited from caregivers or learned through trauma. And that leads to another powerful question: Is this really mine to hold?
Imagine for a moment what it would be like to set the shame down—even temporarily. Picture putting down a heavy backpack you’ve been carrying for years. What comes up? Fear? Emptiness? A sense that you’d lose control or become a “bad” person? Many people worry that shame is the only thing keeping them accountable. I encourage you to gently sit with those reactions and notice them without judgment.
Shame keeps us stuck because it fuels self-perpetuating cycles. You make a mistake, feel shame and guilt, then engage in the same behavior again to cope with that shame. Emotional eating is a common example: stress leads to eating for comfort, followed by guilt and shame, which then leads to more eating to cope. The cycle doesn’t stop on its own—it has to be interrupted.
The interruption doesn’t come from more self-punishment. It comes from letting go of shame.
This is where self-compassion and gentleness come in. In individual therapy, relationship therapy, and trauma-focused work, I often describe self-compassion as the antidote to shame. Gentleness doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility or accountability. It means approaching yourself the way you would approach someone you care about—with curiosity, understanding, and grace.
What would it be like to practice one minute of self-compassion a day? Or five? What if you gently shifted your internal language from harsh and shaming to supportive and kind? You’ve likely repeated negative, shaming thoughts thousands of times throughout your life. Changing that pattern takes time—but even small shifts matter.
If there’s one thing I hope you take away from this, it’s an invitation to examine your own shame and secrecy. Notice how they may be keeping the very cycles alive that you want to change. And consider experimenting with something different: compassion instead of punishment, gentleness instead of self-attack.
As a therapist offering trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, mindfulness-based approaches, and trauma-informed care—both online sessions and in-person sessions across Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, Agoura Hills, Calabasas, Oak Park, Ventura, Los Angeles, and throughout California—I’ve seen how powerful this shift can be.
Change doesn’t happen through shame. Healing happens through compassion, patience, and the belief that your struggles are human—and that you are worthy of care exactly as you are.
