Focus on the Process and Not the End Goal

In my work as a trauma therapist, one theme comes up again and again: the belief that happiness lives somewhere “over there.” Somewhere in the future. Somewhere at the end of the goal.

We set goals for our careers, for our relationships, for our healing. We commit to individual therapy, EMDR therapy, somatic trauma therapy, or dialectical behavior therapy because we want to feel better. We want relief. We want change. And that’s beautiful. Goals matter.

But here’s the paradox: when you learn to accept where you are, you actually move closer to where you want to be.

Part of that acceptance is learning to enjoy the process.

The Problem With Living for the End Goal

If you only allow yourself to feel happy once the goal is achieved, you may spend years climbing toward something that offers only a fleeting moment of satisfaction.

You get the promotion.
You finish trauma therapy.
You reach the milestone in your relationship.

And then what?

The end goal often passes quickly. It’s a moment. A snapshot. And if your joy was attached only to that outcome, you’re back on the hamster wheel almost immediately—searching for the next thing.

This mindset is especially common among high achievers, children of immigrants, or those who grew up in environments where hard work and delayed gratification were prioritized over joy and ease. You may have learned that suffering is part of the process. That happiness must be earned. That joy is a reward, not a right.

But what if you could dance in the hallway?

“Dance in the Hallway”

In one of my recovery programs, there’s a concept of being “in the hallway”—that in-between space before entering something new. I’ve come to love this metaphor for the mental health journey.

You’re walking toward something. You’re in transition. You’re not quite where you were, but not yet where you want to be.

Why not decorate the hallway?
Why not blast music?
Why not bring something joyful with you?

Whether you’re in trauma therapy or another form of individual therapy, healing does not have to be gloomy and dark the entire time. Yes, trauma-informed care means we honor pain. But it also means we honor resilience, agency, and moments of lightness.

You don’t have to postpone joy until you are “fully healed.”

Joy Is Not Outsourced

This also shows up in relationship therapy.

So often I hear: “If only my partner would change.”
“If they just did this differently, I would be happy.”

Now, I want to be very clear—this does not apply to abusive dynamics such as narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse. In those cases, immediate safety is the priority. That’s different.

But in relatively healthy relationships, what would happen if you stopped outsourcing your happiness to your partner?

What if you took responsibility for your own joy?

What if, instead of waiting for them to be different, you asked yourself:
What do I enjoy?
What lights me up?
What brings me energy?

Maybe it’s book club.
Maybe it’s crafts.
Maybe it’s hiking in Calabasas or Oak Park.
For me, it’s theme parks. I love them. They bring me joy.

You are allowed to cultivate joy even while working through conflict, even while healing trauma, even while building your life.

Where Did You Learn About Happiness?

If enjoying the process feels uncomfortable, get curious.

Who modeled joy for you?
Did your family allow themselves to rest?
Did you witness ease?
Or was it always about pushing, striving, surviving?

In trauma therapy—whether through mindfulness, somatic trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, or dialectical behavior therapy—we often explore meaning. Where did your beliefs about happiness come from? About hard work? About suffering?

Many of the messages we internalize are cultural and generational. They may have helped your family survive. But are they helping you thrive today, in the present?

In my work as a psychotherapist in California, serving clients in Westlake Village, Agoura Hills, Thousand Oaks, Ventura, and across Los Angeles through online sessions, I often help clients deconstruct these inherited beliefs.

Which beliefs still align with who you are?
Which ones feel outdated?
Which ones keep you stuck in “I’ll be happy when…” thinking?

You Have More Agency Than You Think

One of the most powerful shifts in healing is recognizing your agency.

Yes, some moments are harder than others. Trauma is real. Anxiety is real. The impact of emotional abuse or narcissistic abuse is real. Trauma-informed care honors that.

But within that reality, you still have choice.

You have choice in how you show up today, right now.
You have choice in what you focus on.
You have choice in how you nurture your nervous system through mindfulness and somatic practices.

You can work toward your goals and still allow yourself joy today.

You can be in the hallway and still dance.

So here’s what I’ll leave you with:

You don’t have to wait until you’re fully healed.
You don’t have to wait until the relationship is perfect.
You don’t have to wait until you achieve the career milestone.

You can begin practicing joy now.

Focus on the process.
Honor the journey.
Reclaim your power from people, places, things, and future outcomes.

Happiness is not something you earn at the finish line.
It’s something you cultivate along the way.

—
Valeriya Bauer, Psychotherapist
Offering trauma therapy, EMDR therapy, somatic trauma therapy, individual therapy, and relationship therapy in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks, Agoura Hills, Calabasas, Oak Park, Ventura, Los Angeles, and throughout California via online sessions.