Why We Seek Validation from Others: A Trauma-Informed Perspective

Many people on a healing journey find themselves constantly looking outside themselves for validation—whether it’s in relationships, work, social media, or daily interactions. While it’s human to want to be seen and heard, chronic external validation-seeking can become a painful cycle, especially for those with a history of trauma. As a trauma therapist specializing in trauma therapy, relationship therapy, and somatic trauma therapy, I often witness how deeply this pattern is rooted in early experiences of emotional neglect, abandonment, or abuse—particularly narcissistic abuse or emotional abuse.

When our emotional needs weren’t met in childhood—or when we experienced trauma in formative relationships—we may grow up feeling unsure of our inherent worth. Trauma disrupts our internal compass. We learn to survive by attuning to others: reading their moods, anticipating reactions, and modifying ourselves to stay safe or loved. Over time, this survival strategy morphs into a belief that our value depends on how others see us. Trauma-informed care acknowledges that this isn’t a character flaw—it’s an adaptation. Our nervous system may remain on high alert, constantly scanning the environment for cues of approval or rejection. This is where somatic trauma therapy and mindfulness can begin to gently bring us back to ourselves, helping us reconnect with our internal cues and foster safety within.

In therapy—whether through dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), mindfulness-based interventions, or trauma-focused relationship work—we begin to explore the difference between seeking support and outsourcing self-worth. DBT, in particular, helps clients recognize and regulate the intense emotions that often drive black-and-white thinking or people-pleasing behavior. We learn that we can hold opposing truths: we can want connection and learn to validate ourselves. We can acknowledge the hurt of past relationships and build new, healthier boundaries.

Healing from trauma, especially after emotional or narcissistic abuse, is not about shutting out others or becoming entirely self-reliant—it’s about finding balance. Through trauma therapy, we rebuild trust in our inner voice. We practice asking: What do I feel? What do I need? What do I believe about myself when I’m not chasing someone else’s approval? That’s when true healing begins: not in someone else’s eyes, but in the mirror of our own self-compassion.

If you’re noticing a pattern of seeking external validation and wondering where it comes from, know that you’re not alone—and that healing is possible. A trauma-informed, somatic, and relational approach can help you begin to trust yourself again.